A Most Unlikely Lancer
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: I never wielded a lance, you know? Nope. Not once. Never in my life. I don't know who started that absurd rumor. That misunderstanding formed the core of what came afterwards. A man once said truth is stranger than fiction, but no, its the other way around, isn't it? Bah! A Most Unlikely Lancer indeed! Here we go again! Narutoxharem...with a twist. Vote via review!
1. A Most Unlikely Lancer

**A/N: I really am too good to you guys and gals~!**

**We've got A Most Unlikely Archer coming out soon, it only seems fair that we roll in Lancer as well.**

**Now that leaves us with Saber, Ruler, Saver, Faker and a few others. Frankly, I don't think they can be done. I've about covered every other Fate verse that I could think of, and this was the only one that stuck out to me. Strange Fake is nowhere near bloody done and I might well gobble it all up at once if I'm not careful.**

**So in lieu of a long argument or conversation off we go.**

**It also goes to show how much a legend can twist a Servant...**

**...much to said Servant's chagrin. We all know Naruto never picked up a spear in his life...**

**Get ready to laugh, because this'll be no holds-barred madness. Now I'm off to work, looking forward to hearing what you think of this...**

**Such is the way of two jobs I suppose. Now if my bloody blasted leg would just freaking heal already I'd be fine and dandy. Can't wait to hear from you guys later tonight!**

_"Master, I don't think you quite realize what you have here."_

_"And you're going to tell me, I take it."_

_"Good boy! You're learning~!"_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Lancer**

_I never wielded a lance._

_Nope._

_Not once. _

_Never in my life._

_I've used all sorts of weapons-even a sword once upon a time-but never a spear. What in the blue hell would I do with a spear?! Poke somebody with it? Really now! __I still don't know who started that absurd rumor, but I want to throttle them. Perhaps that was the basis of what followed. Perhaps that was where everything started to go wrong, when one scholar declared I once wielded a lance. Perhaps it merely came after and I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. __You see, rumor and hearsay has a funny way of warping the world. __People. __Places. __Events._

_Even time itself._

_I'm sure these people never met me; because those rumors didn't start until a few centuries after my death. By then the details of my life and the Last Great Shinboi War were as muddled as a mire. Few remembered any of us beyond what. Should've been grateful for that, I suppose, and I was..._

_...at first. _

_Because time twists the truth._

_Some argued since I was Kushina's child, therefore, I must be like exactly like her. A daughter. Not a son. As Uzumaki blood ran in my veins; as a child of the Yellow Flash, they thought I ought to be able to do anything my parents did and more. Chakra chains, telportation, that sort of thing. Lies, all of it, I never even tried to master my pop's kunai trick and I sure as hell didn't know how to use chains. Still they debated. __A small sect insisted, rather vocally. Eventually, that opinion prevailed, and a legend ascended to the Throne. One of many. __What was "this" became "that" and somehow, truth became something else._

_A wish? __Well if I had one..._

_...yeah, now that I think about it..._

_...I want to thrash whoever started that damn rumor!_

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

Cú Chulainn was getting _real_ tired of this shit.

"C'mon kid," he growled, ducking under a freshly flung pail. "Just hold still and I'll make this quick_-hey!"_

An iron rod crashed into his face and he kicked its wielder away with a growl, hurling him into a wall. Not that Lancer was in any real danger mind you; his aggravation stemmed more from exasperation than any actual fault on his part. Try as he might, his prey just kept wriggling away from him. Damn kid. He was starting to feel bad for him. At this rate, he'd have to put some effort in just to corner the runt. Still, he gained points for persistence, if nothing else. It spoke well for his determination that despite his wounds, his prey just refused to drop. Such a shame he had to die for what he'd seen.

_Seriously though, _just how many times did he have to kill this kid?

He'd butchered the brat once already; stabbed him straight through the heart and left him to die.

Somehow he'd survived and managed to flee back home. It shouldn't have been possible. Fate had a foul sense of humor, it seemed.

Lancer had summarily tracked him down and cornered him in a shed. He resolved to be thorough this time around; he would take his head off to be sure and cut him into pieces. Ugly business that, but he had to be sure he wouldn't get back up again. Something told him that if he didn't kill this kid here and now, at this very moment, something horrible was going to happen.

Sure enough, it did.

Perhaps it was Lancer's bad luck stat plaguing him again. Perhaps the little brat planned this, luring him in here. Maybe _he'd _simply been the lucky one this time around. Regardless, it didn't change the outcome. A flash of light heralded an inadvertent arrival as a stray summoning circle was triggered. He had just enough time to behold a flash of light, a black blur shoving the boy backwards and out of range of his spear. Then the light was gone, the summoning circle broke apart, and _something _came roaring out at him with the fury of a thousand years.

_"Oh, what the fucking fuck is this shit?!" _

Damn. The new arrival sounded abut as angry as _he_ felt.

"Are you kidding me?!" he squawked back! "That runt actually managed to summon a-

Red eyes rounded on him and in the span of a single heartbeat Ireland's Child of Light found himself assaulted by nine simultaneous attacks from nearly every conceivable angle, the blows so fast as to be nearly unseen. It was a testament to his skill and speed that he narrowly managed to deflect each one.

Not so the momentum _behind_ the blows.

"Oh, good." the voice purred. "You can fight. Sorry, but I'm going to take my frustration out on you."

Even as Gae Bolg blocked the nine-pronged assault, it was unable to protect him from the momentum behind it. The spear _creaked_ ponderously in his grasp and he tensed, to no avail. Not a moment later a booted foot got the better of him, slipping past his guard to strike him square in the chest and fling him from the shed as though he weighed no more than a feather. A plume of earthen dust heralded the Seventh Servant's leap as Lancer clawed back his bearings and he swung his lance up to meet them in spite of the grin tearing across his face. He'd forgotten all about the brat by now, the joy of a well-earned fight tore through him like a great fire.

_Finally._

His Master had been so damn cowardly about this business; he hadn't truly tasted combat until tonight. Until Archer. Until _this one._

Whomever they were, they were fast.

_Very_ fast.

An armored leg crashed down against Gae Bolg in a thundering ax kick that rattled him to his very bones. Laughing, he shifted his grip and finally glimpsed a flash of scarlet eyes looming in the gloom as the dust began to clear. She didn't give him time to glimpse anything more; a lone hand seized hold of his spear, swung her body up around it, and brought twin boots barreling into his face in a stampede of pain. Cu stumbled back half a step, but never released his spear. It saved his life. If he'd lost hold of Gae Bolg, he had no doubt she would've used it to gore him then and there.

A flicker of movement danced in his peripherals and he rounded on it with a roar, bringing the jagged edge of his spear around to skewer them as she danced in the moonlight.

_Until she jumped on it._

Lightly armored feet alighted upon the flat of his cherished weapon in a pointed crouch, perfectly poised, effortlessly balanced despite his assault. Cu barked out a laugh, both surprised and impressed by the tenacity-and the gall!-of his fellow Servant. In the full light of the moon he finally saw his enemy in her entirety before she kicked out at him again with those long legs of hers. Luck was with him for once and he took the blow on his shoulder rather than his chin. Whiskered cheeks pinched in a scowl as his attacker realized she'd been had and she vaulted away once more before he could manage to impale her.

For this was most emphatically a _she._

A flowing amber robe floated over a form-fitting jumpsuit of black scarlet as she landed opposite him, armored in archaic silver over glazed shadow. Was that silver? He couldn't be sure. It was armor of whatever sort, and it looked formidable enough on its own, tapering from her bosom to her shoulders then down her forearms...

_Arm._

She only had one, he realized.

Her right limb ended in a stump well below the elbow, an old wound healed long ago. Yet in spite of her handicap the newcomer did not cower before him; she remained every bit as lethal. Perhaps even moreso. A strange sense of anticipation filled Lancer as he watched her settled into a stance. She'd been dancing circles around him-and kicking him bloody-using only one arm and her legs. Teacher would've _loved_ this girl.

Why did that set him ill at ease?

"Now I know the Grail's just screwing with me." he grumbled as she began to circle him. "Why do I always have to fight the crazy ones?"

She tilted her head and glared at him, regarding him as one would a curious cloud.

Her eyes were the color of furious slitted rubies again, their sclera dark as a foul and moonless night. He gripped his lance tighter at the sight of them. Those were the eyes of a beast set in a woman's face, no two ways about it, no sir. Her whiskered cheeks even now dimpled in a small smile as she considered him. Urk. Why did that look remind him of Medb? No, that annoying queen only ever wanted to screw him senseless; this one looked like she was envisioning his head on a spike. Streaks of red threaded through what should've been pure blond hair, lending it an eerie, bloodied visage despite the twin ponytails in which she wore it.

"So." when she finally spoke again, there as a dull anger throbbing in her voice. "Here we are."

"Here we are." Lancer agreed, readying his spear as she started forward. "You're a tough bugger, I'll give you that."

"You should see me when I'm at my peak. When I'm not, well_...like this."_ something sparked and she swore darkly under her breath, her voice cracking like a whip. "Bloody legend. Who the hell thought I was a girl with big tits and one arm?! I mean, I _get_ the one-arm bit because Sasuke and all, _but this?!_ Eh?! Oi! Do you have have any idea how hard it is to move around with these fucking things? To fight?!" she slapped her chest for emphasis and immediately hissed in pain as the tender flesh there protested in bitter fashion. "Ow! How do women stand this?!"

Lancer snorted despite his best efforts to remain silent.

"I'm sooooo glad you found that funny!" she shot back. "I'm going to take it out of your hide."

The Servant's answering smile was almost pleasant, but it didn't reach those ever shifting eyes and her words were soft poison by comparison. Her pace didn't slow, yet neither did she make any move to renew her assault or rush headlong into his spear. In the end she halted a hairsbreadth away from him, swaying on her feet. Lancer refused to give ground, and wisely so as it turned out.

"Alright, I'll bite. Who the hell're you?"

Blue eyes beamed.

"If its names we're exchanging?" her grin grew as his forehead crunched against hers. "Naruto, even in this form. As to my class...it'd be Lancer this time around."

Her words rang out in the sullen silence between them, broken only by her Master's faint groan as he slumbered.

Cu blinked.

The name "Naruto" was loosely associated with many legends, none of which proved helpful at the moment. What little provided by the Grail only baffled him all the more. Moreover, her statement just now troubled him in more ways than one. He didn't want to believe it. Couldn't believe it.

"That can't be right." he glanced up and down at her, his frown deepening with every moment. _"I'm_ Lancer."

She swore like a sailor, yet the way she carried herself set him on edge.

Her cheeks dimpled. "So am I."

She laughed then, an indulgent chuckle that rather reminded him of Scathach. And not in a good way. Teacher had always laughed like that when she knew something he didn't. But he knew he was right. He had to be. In any given war there could only be one Servant per class. You couldn't summon two Sabers, and you _sure as hell _couldn't call two Lancers. It wasn't possible. She must be lying-aha. That made sense. She must be Assassin then. No one else could be so limber in battle with a wound like that.

He even said as much, thinking to challenge her. "I don't see a lance."

"No." she bobbed her head. "You don't."

Her shoulders tensed.

That was Cu's only warning; then her back erupted and he realized just why she'd crept so close.

Dozens of molten orange chains with hooked points burst from her and bore Cu down into the dirt with all the rage and fury of a berserk warrior. One of the barbs pierced his thigh and he cried out, ripping it from the meat of his leg and tumbling away._ Lancer._ He saw it now, saw how she could be given such a designation. Rising from her back like great golden whips, burgeoned by blood and energy alike, they even now coiled to seek out his head at the slightest provocations. She didn't need a spear or a javelin; those barbed joints did all the work for her. She'd been testing him this entire time, waiting for a chance, an opportunity.

And he'd given her one.

It almost made him laugh, really.

He'd have to kill her quickly with his Noble Phantasm, else she'd never allow him to get away...until she did. He'd been told to scout, not to engage, and his parameters were briefly lowered for it. Still, he needed only one good hit and her heart would be his, skewered upon the point of his spear. Unless she had an absurd luck stat, there would be no escaping. But the opening thrust would leave him vulnerable and those chains had actually _hurt _him in a bad way; he couldn't trust to his speed as wholly as he wanted until he had his leg seen to.

_'Fuck it. If I'm going down, might as well take her with me..._

His arm was only just cocking back to throw Naruto raised a hand for peace.

"Wait."

She stomped down and the earth writhed with chains underfoot, chains that receded into her bloodied back like sly serpents. She'd been waiting, Cu realized, aghast. Ready for him to make a foolish, fatal leap into her territory. The notion galled him. Battle continuation or not, that would've hurt. A lot. When did she have time to set something like that up?

"That should do for tonight." the whiskered warrior hummed. "Lets call it a draw for now."

Did she think him craven? Lancer told her as much, and rudely at that. "You think I'd retreat just because-

"Please." her lips thinned as she shook her head. "I'm not used to his body and you're not at your peak. We'd only waste our strength. At best, we would both die."

"As if I'd let you!"

Those wild red eyes narrowed.

"You have no say in the matter, hothead~!"

Something hardened in her face and the blue knight abruptly found himself flat on his back. His legs, he realized, glimpsing the glimmering length of chain jutting from the soil. She'd used her chains to grab him by the ankles and trip him up. Discontent with the idea of being pinned by someone like this, he tried to thrash upright, to no avail. A snap of the fingers and he found himself airborne, the great barbed length cracking like a whip as he careened into the air. Shattered stone and mangled masonry burst before his back when he crashed back to to earth, like a falling star.

He'd scarcely clawed his way out of rubble before she was on him again.

Clang!

Gae Bolg shuddered as an armored leg crashed into its crimson length. By time he realized his peril she'd already grabbed the spear again and vaulted over, dragging his face into an armored knee. This time he tasted a touch of blood in his mouth and felt something break in his noise. Damnit. Slippery little thing. How did she keep doing...aargh! Not again!"

"Will you stop doing that?!"

His fellow "Lancer" only laughed at him as she spun away.

Oh. He knew that look. He'd seen it in his mentor's eyes before. She wanted a truce; one that would allow them both to recover so that they might yet face one another again. That small sadistic smile spread further still, swimming across "Lancers" serene visage like a shark through the sea. There was a _hunger _there, in her gaze one that rattled him to his core. All at once, she clicked her tongue and took a sharp step back to compose the towering greed in her eyes. Her lone hand cocked back, fingers clenched into a fist. _Something_ writhed in the air behind her, and the blue Lancer choked.

"Now run, dog." she cooed. "Before I decide to chase you."

Lancer needed no further encouragement.

_He got the hell out of dodge._

**A/N: There we have it. Naruto-Naruko?-went and broke the grail. In short? Saber never appeared in this war. She should've been summoned, seeing as Shirou has a sodding catalyst for her locked in his chest-yet rather than some strange twist of fate-ha!-she never answered the call. Someone else did, i****nstead.**

**Recall how rumors can change over time.**

**Now Naruto's found himself in a female body-much to his chagrin-and a weakened one at that. ****He's not happy about that. Not one bit. ****Remember this'll be gone in two days if people don't like it.**

**In any case, I'm pulling a double today, so wish me luck!**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that!**

**(Previews)**

_Caster smiled coldly._

_"I think I like you, girl. Won't you join me?"_

* * *

_...you filthy wench! You dare laugh at your king?!"_

_Lancer sketched a humble bow, dancing around another blade. _

_"Any many who must say "I am the king" is no true king. You are no better."_

_It was the worst thing she could've said. __Archer facepalmed and grit his teeth. __"Idiot girl...!"_

_"DIE!"_

_Gilgamesh roared and two dozen portals opened at her exposed back, only for each projectile to be swatted aside by a storm of chains. __Gentle palms graced the floor, fingernails sharpening into claws as all involved parties looked on. Her head snapped up, exposing sharpened canines and a high, wild smile. All the while her laughter continued unabated, heedless of her wounds, as chains of chakra continued to writhe and twisted about her like mad snakes. She seemed more shadow than Servant now, and even he cringed back from her._

_**"A fake I may well be,"** Lancer purred as her hair broke free from its braid, framing her face in wild strands of golden scarlet as her body continued to writhe and twist, becoming something ghastly. Monstrous. **"I acknowledge that. The two of you are more real than I'll ever be. Me? I'm just a ghost, someone who never should have been born, never shoulda existed. I'm a fake, and you'll likely drag me through the mud before the day's done. HOWEVER!"**_

_The earth boiled at her feet._

**_"I won't let you touch that boy."_**

* * *

_"Clothes!" Shirou sputtered! "Wear them! Now!"_

_"How about no." she yawned._

_"LANCER!"_

**R&R~!**


	2. A Most Unlikely Morning (Interlude)

**A/N: This is meant to make you laugh, so would you kindly suspend your disbelief, neh?**

** *EDIT***

**Rewriting the first chapter.**

***Secondary EDIT is as follows***

**No reviews for the second chapter, eh?**

**This is what I get for trying to make people happy...**

**In other news, A Most Unlikely Archer and A Most Unlikely Alter Ego are so close to hone hundred. Could someone review them? Please? Pretty please? It'd mean the world to me to see two of my favorite works get to the triple digits. Now, then!**

**LET THE UPDATES BEGIN.**

**Some said I wouldn't return to this.**

**I'll say it again, this is a MALE Naruto trapped in a female form. The Innocent Monster skill is mostly to blame for that-given his excessive use of that jutsu-but his legend was certainly warped by a fair amount of hearsay as well. Don't mind me while I go around cleaning up and editing this story.**

**He's none too pleased about this twist to his legend, I'll tell you that.**

**I won't lie, I was...hesitant for a bit. A LOT of people gave me flak for this story.**

**But a man made promises, so a man will keep them, if only for a man to make a point.**

**As ever, trolling me is only going to piss me off; which in turn causes me create new stories out of spite.**

**I'm nice like that. ****Anyway, this'll be gone in two days if folks don't like it, so on and so forth. I do hope you like it, as I'm working a double today...**

**...later.**

**As ever, references. References for daaaaaaaaaaays.**

_"You ain't never had a friend like me, kid."_

_"Did...did you just quote..._

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Morning (Interlude)**

So.

Was it all a dream, then?

Some small, tiny part of Shiro Emiya had desperately wanted to believe that last night was just that; a dream, a nightmare, a ghastly specter from which he would wake come morning. He'd seen strange things before but the battle he'd borne witness to last night had boggled the mind. Waking in his own bed had done much to assuage the ever-present worry of his impending demise. There was not so much as a droplet of blood to be seen anywhere on his clothes, and while he _clearly _recalled getting stabbed-painheartagonytearingopen-his pajamas told a different story.

For a second, a heartbeat, this would-be hero almost believed the carefully constructed lie.

There had been no battle last night, no savior, none of it. Nothing at all. Just a dream.

"Morning~!" a familiar voice chirruped as the door to his room crashed open.

Thus when said savior came padding out of the guess room-clad in little more than of Taiga-sensei's left behind shirts-he reacted as well as one might expect.

Emiya blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Three times, each in rapid succession.

And then he saw. Many things. A great many things.

While Lancer had at least taken the courtesy to wear _something _this morning, said something more than clearly flattered her figure, which proved itself to be a step above Taiga's. Several, in fact. Even with her hair down and her lone arm crossed before her,_ she wasn't wearing anything else beneath._ He could see them, moving, swaying with her hips in each step. Despite her state of almost-undress, there was a strange, mystic grace to her gait. And those legs, god she had legs for days-

Emiya slapped himself back to sanity.

"Clothes!" He sputtered incoherently! "Wear them! Now!"

"How about no." she yawned, gliding past him as he covered his eyes. "Grow a pair, kid."

"LANCER!"

She spun to face him-_ohgodtheybounced_-and flashed him a cheeky grin. "Oh, so you _do_ remember me. How gracious of you."

Quick as a flash a lone length of chain sprouted from her back-somehow without disturbing her shirt-and wrapped around the length of his body. Try as he might he couldn't escape. Those serpentine coils tugged him after Lancer as she waltzed away into the living room, leaving him with a remarkable view-gah! No! Bad Shiro! Don't look!

"Let's halve a talk, Master."

It was in that moment that Shirou Emiya realized he was screwed.

None of this was a dream. Not of it. At all.

This couldn't be happening.

"So?" Lancer glanced over her shoulder at him, a lone blue iris regarding him with quiet bemusement. "Do you know what a Holy Grail War is?"

Shirou shook his head.

"What? Seriously?" So she told him.

Painstakingly beat very detail into him in a matter of minutes.

All the while watched her walk about the house, occasionally pausing to touch a floor or wall as she went. With each touch a strange black seal irised out from her palm, glowing softly before stabilizing. She placed nearly thirty such emblems in all, some in the most obscure of places, and with each one Shirou felt his concern rise. She might well have him trapped in her chains at the moment, but she hadn't done anything to bind his mouth properly. As such, he was free to badger her as she wished.

"What're you doing?"

"Stuff." she stuck out her tongue at him in quiet defiance.

Shiro fought down a scowl.

"Lancer...

"Alright, alright, don't get your boxers in a twist. I'm setting up markers." came the quip. "This trick isn't something I want to use often, but it plays well to have somewhere to have a few surprises for the enemy. Ooh! I should probably set up some ninja wire while I'm at it...

...are you setting up traps? In my house?!"

Lancer never did answer that exactly.

Her whistle said otherwise.

"Kiddo, I don't know if your realize it, but you have next to _no_ mana for me. Seriously. Its like drying to find water in the desert." she deadpanned, dropping him into onto the sofa. "And since I am absolutely not not NOT going to do "that" with you," a finger flicked his forehead, "I have to find alternate means of sustaining myself, other ways of fighting, if you want to survive." He opened his mouth to protest and she flicked him again to knock him back against the sofa. "As such, you have absolutely no say in the matter. Are we clear?"

She conveniently didn't tell him that she'd raided a few jails last night.

No one would miss a few murderers and would-be rapists.

...erm, yes?"

"As it stands I can only use my Noble Phantasm two...maybe three times, or I'll risk vanishing." When he didn't interrupt her, she favored him with a bemused look. "Lucky for you, I have other ways of fighting. Not quite as flashy as a tailed beast bomb, but they'll get the job done."

"Even with only one arm?"

It was the worst thing to say, because those beautiful blue eyes burned a ghastly shade of red. I've blundered. Shiro Emiya had all of half a second to understand his peril; because Lancer absolutely hissed at him. In the next, she dove at him and pinned him with her legs, crushing his skull between her thighs. Thankfully, he wasn't facing _that _way or things would've been terribly awkward indeed.

"Wanna run that by me again, Master?! I didn't hear you!"

"Give!" he croaked, clawing at her legs! "I give!"

Quick as a snake, she released him, leaving him to reel away.

"Look, you're cute, but I'm afraid I just don't swing that way." she continued, no doubt mistaking his confusion for something else. "Even like this I just prefer a nice firm set of ti-

"No!" Shirou all but squawked. "I wasn't talking about that, damnit!"

"Then don't be such a prude." his Servant hummed, settling in beside him. "Master, I don't think you quite realize what you have here."

"And you're going to tell me, I take it." Shirou scowled, shifting against the chains still binding him. Nope. No dice.

"Good boy! You're learning~!" A hand patted his head. "You ain't never had a friend like me, kid."

"Did...did you just quote...

As if waiting for that very thought, the doorbell rang. Master and Servant exchanged a look, but it was the latter's smile that instantly set Shiro on edge. Lancer's grin was a knowing one; an expression that told him she'd been expecting just such a house-call. But from whom? With his mind still reeling from all the information Lancer had foisted on him, he almost missed her smile. Almost.

Before he could question her further, Naruko bolted upright like a jack-rabbit.

"Ah, there she is. And she's early! Stay put!"

In a single bound she manifested her armor over that thin t-shirt and bolted for the door.

Shirou counted the seconds.

Huh. Made it in three.

Neat.

"Rin, my dear girl!" he heard her sing-song like a giddy teenage. "You're looking lovely as always. So nice to see you again after last night!" the faintest pause followed, almost as if his Servant were looking for someone, somehow, somewhere. "Is Archer with you? Or is he still hiding after I cleaned his clock-aha! There he is!"

"Just let us in already, you silly ditz." a man's voice growled back at her low, deep and biting with deep irritation. Or was it something else entirely? "We're in no mood for games."

"Why, Archer!" her feigned sob echoed in contrast, "I am hurt! Deeply, _deeply_ hurt! I thought we were friends now! Comrades in arms! We made an alliance, remember?"

"No, YOU grabbed my arm and told me we were going to be best friends. I believe the word _besties_ was used. After you tried to skewer me. Three times."

"Ah, but are not the best bonds forged in fire?" Shiro almost snickered at the mockery dripping from her words. "That's all in the past!"

"THAT WAS LESS THAN EIGHT HOURS AGO YOU CHEEKY LITTLE-

"Its good to see you again, Lancer." a familiar voice cut in before either could throw another jab. "Might we...?"

"By all means! Come in, come in!" Lancer sang back.

"Thank you." came the reply. "Where's Emiya?"

"Oh, back there. I tied him up."

_...what?"_

Shirou's jaw clicked open, because while he couldn't see them here from the living room, he _knew_ that name and the voice that came with it. He'd heart it countless times before. Tohsaka? No, that was definitely Tohsaka at the door. You didn't forget a voice like that. It wasn't the kinship in her words that concerned him. Worse still, she sounded...

...happy. This boded poorly for him.

But one bit nagged at him.

_Again...?_

**A/N: There we have it. Naruto-Naruko?-went and broke the grail. In short? Saber never appeared in this war. She should've been summoned, seeing as Shirou has a sodding catalyst for her locked in his chest-yet rather than some strange twist of fate-ha!-she never answered the call. Someone else did, i****nstead.**

**Recall how rumors can change over time.**

**Now Naruto's found himself in a female body-much to his chagrin-and a weakened one at that. ****He's not happy about that. Not one bit. ****Remember this'll be gone in two days if people don't like it.**

**In any case, I'm pulling a double today, so wish me luck!**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that!**

**(Previews)**

_"Give up?"_

_Archer growled. "Never."_

_Naruko slammed his arm down a heartbeat later. "HA!"_

_Rin facepalmed. "Children. Complete and utter CHILDREN, the both of you!"_

* * *

_Sakura twitched._

_"Senpai...who is this?"_

_Oh. Bugger. She was going to murder him._

* * *

_...adorable."_

_"Eh? What was that?"_

_A benevolent blond brow rose._

_"Nothing, I just want to eat you right up."_

_Medea squeaked softly. "I...beg your pardon?!"_

* * *

_Lancer tilted her head._

_"Hello, me. So nice to meet you."_

**_"You're not afraid? How very...novel."  
_**

_"I've seen some shit in my day, Beast. We gonna do this or not?"_

* * *

_They blurred; t__here could be no other word for it._

_In one seamless movement Lancer bounded forward and delivered a crushing blow to Berserker solar plexus; in the next Heracles swung down, causing her to sway back from the blade, her spine nearly parallel with the ground. It was a vulnerable position, yet the blond used her chains to snag her fellow Servant by the heel and trip him up. The giant staggered and Naruko flowed around him, vaulting onto his shoulders like the nimble acrobat she was. Her lone arm gave no ground and locked around the madman's throat as he tottered, swaying, and then-_

_GROUND._

_Earth erupted like mud as Lancer suplexed Berserker into the dirt._

_"No fair!" Illya's voice rang out as Shiro struggled to comprehend what he'd just witnessed. "That's cheating!"_

_"Cheating?! This is war! Bite me, runt!" Lancer cackled, punting the giant back into the graveyard. "Better yet? Bite him! Probably how he likes it!"_

_Shirou went red. __"Wha-hey! I'm not a lolicon!"_

**R&R~!**


	3. A Most Unlikely Madness

**A/N: Ugh, its so late over here, but the daily updates continue!**

**Jeez, Fate Grand Order is beating me about the head these days.**

***EDIT***

**Just cleared Camelot!**

**Faaaaaawk Gawain and Mordred. They were a right pain the ass to fight.**

**Alright, to clarify, Naruko looks the way she does thanks to that damn Innocent Monster skill. I've already said that, haven't I? ****Also, FGO is waaaaaaaaay too addicting. I've had to throttle myself back on it, if only to preserve my luck. I've been able to do some crazy pulls by trading in a few old games and consoles I had lying around, but that well has officially run dry. So I'm going to try and limit myself to one big pull a week and that's it. **

**Must!**

**Show!**

**Restraint!**

** This is meant to make you laugh, so would you kindly suspend your disbelief, neh?**

** *EDIT***

**I'll say it again, this is a MALE Naruto trapped in a female form. The Innocent Monster skill is mostly to blame for that-given his excessive use of that jutsu-but his legend was certainly warped by a fair amount of hearsay as well. Don't mind me while I go around cleaning up and editing this story.**

**He's none too pleased about this twist to his legend, I'll tell you that.**

**I won't lie, I was...hesitant for a bit. A LOT of people gave me flak for this story.**

**But a man made promises, so a man will keep them, if only for a man to make a point.**

**As ever, trolling me is only going to piss me off; which in turn causes me create new stories out of spite.**

**I'm nice like that. ****Anyway, this'll be gone in two days if folks don't like it, so on and so forth. I do hope you like it, as I'm working a double today...**

**...later.**

**As ever, references. References for daaaaaaaaaaays. Oh, and a timeskip of about twelve hours here.**

_"Bite me! Better yet, bite him! Probably how he likes it!"_

_"Hey?! Where did that come from?!"_

_"I call 'em like I sees 'em!"_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Madness**

That was then; this, as some would say, was now.

Somewhere in the interim, Shirou Emiya found himself caught up in it all. Lost in the flow of things; unable to raise his voice in protest as events rapidly unfolded around him. To be fair, it wasn't entirely Rin's fault. It wasn't her insanely intimidating Servant-and didn't that one look angry?-nor his devil-may-care attitude he carried around like a gigantic chip on his shoulder. _Hell, _it wasn't even Tohsaka's smile that spelled his doom, though he would be the first to admit the blackette _could_ be downright adorable when flustered.

_No, it was Lancer that sealed his face._

At some point, the whiskered warrior went and won Tohsaka to their side. Archer followed soon thereafter, albeit reluctantly and with a good bit of arguing, but follow he did. Game. Set. Match. From that moment Shirou realized he had no hope of escaping this unlikely trio. For better or worse, his Servant seemed hellbent on winning the war, a war he didn't understand, yet found himself wrapped up in all the same. Nevermind that she'd all but wrapped everyone around her finger, nevermind the fact that she treated him like a kid brother and dragged him out of his relatively safe house to patrol the town, all of that could be forgiven.

But she always laughed whenever he mentioned his ideals.

It wasn't even mocking laughter; that much he could deal with. No. She seemed almost...amused.

Really, by the time a certain red-eyed girl in a purple coat tracked the two of them down, Shirou was about ready to throw in the towel.

And he might have done so, too.

"Be a good boy and die, would you?"

There was just the _small_ matter of the rampaging giant _currently_ _trying to squish him._

Here, in what he believed to be his final moments, Emiya experienced something of an epiphany as the girl's Servant struck. While he watched that great towering ax-sword hurtle toward his face, he knew he wouldn't be able to dodge in time. It had closed the distance too fast, and Lancer was still behind him. Archer and Rin were too far away. Even Lancer couldn't reach him in time. For all of his lofty dreams of being a hero of justice and saving everyone in front of him, he was only human and this thing...

...well, plainly put, it wasn't human. To be frank, he wasn't even wholly sure it was a Servant.

For one, it was far too large and _far_ faster than any creature had any right to be.

Nothing could stop it. Nothing could possibly impede it.

So it came as something of a surprise when Lancer stepped up and actively intercepted the attack.

Rather than lop his head clear off of his shoulders, the sword found itself entangled instead; actively engaged in a length of barbed chain. Baffled by this anomaly, Heracles gave his trapped weapon a tug and the fraying chains began to fracture in a single sliver of a second. Yes. The chains only held him for the merest of moments, and they were already starting to shatter under the Servant's strength.

It was enough.

A blond braid flashed before Shirou's face.

In the next moment Lancer was there, gazing up at the giant.

Her lone arm rose to...no. She didn't. She actually pinched his cheek.

"Hey, muscles." a sweet, sunny smile flashed up at the towering terror. "He's mine. Hands off."

Shirou facepalmed. "What."

Illya joined him a heartbeat later. "The hell."

Berserker and Lancer struck in the same moment; only one triumphed.

Clenched knuckles barreled into the side of Berserker's face, flinging him into the ground. Even as he writhed upright, Lancer shucked off her coat and stepped forward. Shirou sputtered for a moment, flailing as the heavy garment landed on his head. By the time he successfully shucked it, Lancer had already donned her armor and stepped forward to meet the menace. To her credit, she didn't attack first. Instead she patiently slid her right foot forward and waited for Heracles to right himself, which he did in short order.

"Right, then." the words escaped her on a hum as she bounded in place. "I may not _like_ this body of mine, but I can still fight."

A single hand rose, fingers crooking in a come hither motion.

She granted him a wide, menacing grin.

"Bring it, big guy."

He did.

They blurred; there could be no other word for it.

In one seamless movement Lancer bounded forward and delivered a crushing blow to Berserker's solar plexus; causing the brute to double over with a grunt. In the next Heracles swung down with that great sword of his, causing her to sway back from the blade leaving her spine nearly parallel with the ground. It was a vulnerable position, yet the blond used her chains to snag her fellow Servant by the heel and trip him up. The giant staggered and Naruko flowed around him, vaulting onto his shoulders like the nimble acrobat she was. Her lone arm gave no ground and locked around the madman's throat as he tottered, swaying, and then-

GROUND.

Earth erupted like mud as Lancer suplexed Berserker into the dirt.

"No fair!" Illya's voice rang out as Shiro struggled to comprehend what he'd just witnessed. "That's cheating!"

"Cheating?! This is war! Bite me, runt!" Lancer cackled, punting the giant back into the graveyard. "Better yet? Bite him! Probably how he likes it!"

Shirou went red. "Wha-hey! I'm not a lolicon!"

Archer slapped palm over his mouth. That bastard. Why was he laughing?!

Berserker...certainly wasn't.

**"GWARGH!"**

"Shit!"

Countering that ax-blade without a weapon would've been suicide; as such, Lancer didn't even deign to block. She dimply ducked, tucking her knees into her chest as Berserker's blow swept over her head to annihilate an errant tree instead. Grinning like a demonness, she rolled between his legs and flicked her chakra chains at a place every self-respecting male wanted to protect. A blur of gold and silver and said chains promptly went to town on his groin. This time, Heracles roared more in pain than any true form outrage; and if Lancer laughed, no one heard her over the titan's howl.

Rin turned ashen. "Oh, dear...

"Ouch." Despite himself and his own imminent peril, Shirou winced.

Illya herself turned positively pallid and she wasn't even sporting a pair of those.

"Onii-chan," she gulped thickly as the two Servants collided again, "Just what kind of Servant did you summon?"

Naruko's pained yelp yanked his attention back to the battlefield just in time to see the blond hurtle past them and crash through the graveyard. Tumbling and twisting, smashing through gravestone after stone, somehow she managed to right herself and alight in a pointed crouch, chains gouging great tears in the soil to slow her momentum. Heracles rushed to meet her and her body snapped into gold.

Just a moment.

A sliver of a second.

The smallest of flickers.

But in that moment, Heracles lost an arm.

Chakra chains sluiced in black blood flicked away, taking with it the giant's sword arm and a heaping helping of his collarbone. Unbalanced, the ancient Hero crashed to the ground and lay still. Not missing a beat, Lancer spun and kicked him away from Shirou before he could think to do something untoward. Judging by the bass rumble that greeted her, the Servant was far from finished. That was impossible, of course. A wound like that had to be be enough, because if it wasn't, that meant the he was _going to get back up _andohgodifhedid...

"Ha!" Illya crowed. "You can't kill Berserker! He's immortal!"

"I'm well aware of the multiple lives shtick, sweetheart. That's three now." Naruko turned to face the maimed giant just as his body began to twitch and stir. "No, wait."

Even as he healed she tore a tree free and smashed it into his face with a sickening crack.

"Oops! My hand slipped! Guess that makes four!"

Heracles only growled.

"You have quite a few lives, don'tcha big boy?!" her grim grin bordered on outright anxiety even while the mad dog began to regenerate anew. "How many times...

Her chains coiled about his body like living snakes as she spoke, seizing arms and legs alike even as the mad dog lunged up at her. It couldn't hold the monster for long. Few could. But she didn't need to. Even as she held him those red hot coils sliced through his limbs in visceral relief, leaving the abomination a maimed mess once more. Even the mighty Heracles needed a moment to regenerate. And in that moment, Naruko calmly stepped in and took his head right off with one of her chains.

...do I have to kill you?!"

...it grew back.

Shirou felt his gorge rise as he watched the grey giant simply began to regenerate yet again.

By then it was already over.

Rather than continue what she clearly viewed as a pointless battle, Lancer did the unthinkable. Even as Berserker languidly climbed back to his feet she kicked dirt in his face to blind him. Little more than a stalling tactic, that, and it only slowed the giant for the merest of moments. Once more, it was enough. Heracles growled and blinked the grit from his eyes and the whiskered warrior seized on the opportunity. She could have used this brief opening to attacking. Instead she towards Illya in a blur of gold as the grey giant gave chase.

At first, Shirou didn't understand here intent.

Why go after her, unless...oh.

He soon found his answer as Naruko slammed a fist into the girl's stomach to fold the startled master over her arm like a wet paper bag. Even as Illya sagged against her outstretched limb, a jagged chain flicked out under the girl's throat, that barbed blade drawing a thin line of blood across her jugular. He'd seen what those chains could do. It wouldn't take much. Just a flick. A twitch. And she would die.

"Don't move, muscles!" Naruko's voice snapped like a whip. "Or your pretty little Master loses her head."

It was like flicking a switch; Berserker abandoned his charge instantaneously, pausing just out of reach. His roar died a rattling death in his throat, and he advanced no further. Naruko did not retreat; nay, rather than use this chance to escape, she stood her ground. It was a dirty tactic all things considered, unsightly for someone who preached about the values of friendship and peace. In that moment, Shirou saw his Servant in a different light, and he wasn't wholly sure he liked it, at that.

"I mean it, big guy." she warned. "Drop the sword."

Incredibly, the mad warrior complied with her absurd demand.

"Good boy." she purred, turning her head. "Now, then, Illya-chan. Are you awake?"

The little homonculus groaned. "Meanie. You cheated. You weren't supposed to attack me!"

"All's fair in love and war, little one. Now then." A blond brow rose. "What should I do with you? I could kill you-

Shirou couldn't stay silent any longer; his ideals simply wouldn't allow him to hold hos tongue. Despite his better judgement, he spoke up:

"Lancer! What the hell are you doing?!"

She flicked a hand over her shoulder. "Not now, hero. The adults are having a conversation. If this one's a good girl, she might even survive this."

Illya squeaked, and something in Shirou stirred.

"You can't just-HEY?!"

When he tried to protest further, a lone chain burst from her back to snap at him like an angry red viper. A lone blue eye blazed at him over her shoulder. It wasn't the lack of emotion that startled him. Rather, there was an abundance of it. She gave him a pitying look, but that pity hardened into anger when he raised his arm.

"A Command Spell? Really? I'm not doing anything wrong, here. Don't use that."

"Lancer...you need to stop." it was a warning as much as a plea.

Her eyes narrowed. "No. I don't think I will. Archer?"

Even as the words formed on Shirou's lips an elbow crashed into his side with bonecrushing force; he sucked in a sharp breath of surprise and a tan hand clamped down on his mouth. Tohsaka?! In his haste and confusion he'd all but forgotten about her Servant. Needless to say, he was no match for that one. Not here. Not yet. In short order he found himself wrestled to the ground, jaw clamped shut, arms held behind his back. He couldn't even bring himself to feel betrayed, only lost. They could've killed him at any time. Instead they simply held him down as the standoff continued.

"Sorry, Emiya-kun." Rin favored him with a small smile. "This is for your own good."

"Quite." Lancer beamed, returning her gaze to her sullen captive and the giant looming over them both. "Now, then. Where were we?" She swayed in place for a moment. "Hoo, boy." she gasped. "Give me a second. Still riding that battle high...need a moment to come down, ya know?"

In short order, Illya found herself overwhelmed.

She was going to die here.

If she wasn't absolutely careful about what she said-or did!-in the next ten seconds then this woman would simply slit her throat and cast her aside like a fractured doll. She was no fool; she read the intensity in her eyes and realized her peril all the same. Berserker wouldn't be able to reach them in time; even if he did, he'd vanish almost immediately thereafter, battle continuation or no. And though she was many things, Illya wasn't an idiot; she knew when the odds were stacked against her; knew when she had to use guile rather than strength.

So she set her jaw, steeled her resolve, and spoke.

...what do you want?"

"There's a good lass." Lancer chirruped happily in spite of her lackluster response. "What do I want, you say? All I want, all I have _ever_ wanted, is to be everyone's true friend. Innocent monster or not, blasted body or not, that's all I desire. Don't you feel the same? I'd like to be your friend."

Illya actually blinked.

Well. That settled things, then.

This woman-this Servant!-was insane.

She wanted to be friends with everyone? Inane. Absurd. Insane. You couldn't befriend everybody. It simply wasn't possible. You would always have enemies somewhere, somewhen, somehow. Although, not that she gave the matter some thought, it made a certain twisted sort of sense. If all your enemies were dead and in the ground, didn't that leave only your allies behind, come the end? Now there was a chilling thought, one she only understood due to her own warped sense of justice.

And she wasn't Lancer's friend.

Which meant...oh dear.

Her lips failed her.

_"Meep."_

In this moment, Naruko's smile reminded her of a warm fire; gentle, yet hot enough to burn when provoked. Berserker still hadn't moved; hadn't budged an inch. Even in his frenzied state he knew what would happen if he did. No doubt about it-there was still some glimmer of reason in that thick skull of his. She could still _see _most of his skull as his body finished growing the last of his head. Despite his wounds, he still obeyed her and refused to attack. He didn't want her to die anymore than she wanted him to perish, either.

Well.

Damn her.

She didn't have a choice.

"So?" Lancer purred. "What'll it be, then? Your monster has a few lives left." she informed her primly. "Now, I can think of all _sorts _of ways to take them. Or I could just kill you here and now." she cast an errant glance at her own Master as she spoke, as though to reinforce her words, "I don't want to. But I will if you force me to. So the question remains...what will you do? Are we going to be friends? Or enemies?"

A lone chain snaked under the girl's chin and lifted it, forcing her to meet those wide, rimmed eyes.

Fine, she'd play along for now. And the moment her back was turned-GACK?!

A lone hand snaked down and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck to dangle the little homonculus in the air like a naughty kitten.

"Oh, and if you betray me?" Naruko granted her a Determined-yet-beatific grin. I'll have to spank you."

Poor, poor Illya. She _absolutely_ took those words wholly out of context by accident.

"I knew it!" she cried! "You're even more of a pervert than Onii-chan!"

"What-no!" Naruko turned rosy. "I am not!"

"Berserker, help! She's a lolicon, too!"

_"Whyounastylittleimp...!_

**A/N: I'm not feeling me best, which is why the chapter's shorter than I would've liked.**

**Naruko's a good girl; she'd rather make friends than enemies. But if you're an enemy? She'll kill ya~!**

**We'll get to see Caster next chapter of course, and all of the silly shenanigans that ensue from her machinations.**

**Now Naruto's found himself in a female body-much to his chagrin-and a weakened one at that. ****He's not happy about that. Not one bit. ****Remember this'll be gone in two days if people don't like it.**

**In any case, I'm pulling a double today, so wish me luck!**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that!**

**(Previews)**

_"Join me."_

_"Since when were you the one in control?"_

* * *

_Cu grinned._

_"What, did you come back for round two?"_

_"Believe it or not, I really wasn't looking for you so...YOINK!"  
_

_She fled and he instantly gave chase like a mad wolf. "OI! Come back here you little-_

* * *

_Was this the end?_

_Was this the sum of his ambitions?_

_Was this his fate; was he destined to fall here?_

_Try as he might, Archer couldn't manage to move the obstacle before him. For all his strength, Try as he might, he couldn't move._

_"Give up?"_

_Emiya growled. "Never."_

_Naruko slammed his arm down a heartbeat later. "HA!"_

_Rin facepalmed. "Children. Complete and utter CHILDREN, the both of you!"_

* * *

_"MONGREL MONGREL MONGREL! HOLD STILL! YOUR KING COMMANDS YOU!"_

_"What, and die?!" came the catcall. "Not on your life, goldie!"_

_A chain flicked out at him, easily blocked._

_Irritating girl._

_She couldn't reach him; but that meant naught if he couldn't reach her as well. She knew full well the power of his Gate, and as such, the foolishness of a headlong charge. She'd even done an admirable job of using the buildings as cover. He would give this mongrel credit for that, at the very least. Whatever she might be, she was no fool. Of course, that wouldn't save her. She would fall to him. All would fall to him. He was...inevitable._

_Enough of this._

_More portals bloomed behind him._

_"Lets see how long you last...against...THIS!"_

_Her head poked out of the rubble. "Now, big guy!"_

_Gilgamesh had half a second to swear as a shadow fell over him._

_To his credit, he blocked the blow. But the momentum sent him crashing out of the Einzbern manor._

**R&R~!**


	4. You Aren't Human!

**A/N: ****This chapter is more a teaser than anything else, since SOME people are snarling at me for falling a day behind on my update schedule.**

**That's right. A gag chapter. Please don't eviscerate me for it, would you kindly?**

**Still, its meant to make you smile and relax in these crazy times.**

_**SPEAKING. OF. WHICH.**_

**I swear by all that is holy, if ONE more person points out that I'm a day behind on daily updates...! I'm writing this while I'm bloody sick for crying out loud! Don't even know what the hell I have, only that its not the virus. Whatever it is has left me with a raging fever and no strength. Yet in spite of that, IN SPITE OF THAT, I'm still updating daily. You don't need much stamina to type. And yet a bunch of people keep reminding me that I'm behind.  
**

***twitches***

**I'm still updating daily. ****But at the end, I'm only human. I want to finish my older stories too, such as "Die Another Day, "A Boy's Journey," and "Date or Die." Don't even get me started on the hot mess that is "Imperfection."**

**Hope you're all keeping healthy and safe.**

**Alright, to clarify, Naruko looks the way she does thanks to that damn Innocent Monster skill. I've already said that, haven't I? ****I'll say it again, this is a MALE Naruto trapped in a female form. The Innocent Monster skill is mostly to blame for that-given his excessive use of a certain jutsu-but his legend was certainly warped by a fair amount of hearsay as well. Don't mind me while I go around cleaning up and editing this story.**

**He's none too pleased about this twist to his legend, I'll tell you that.**

**I won't lie, I was...hesitant for a bit. A LOT of people gave me flak for this story.**

**But a man made promises, so a man will keep them, if only for a man to make a point.**

**As ever, references. References for daaaaaaaaaaays. Oh, and a timeskip of about twelve hours here.**

_"What do you get when you cram a Lancer, an Archer, and a Berserker into the same room?"_

_"Um...a dead Lancer? Is that the right answer?"_

_"Ordinarily, yes! But not **this** Lancer."_

_~?_

**You Aren't Human!**

_Was this the end?_

Was this the sum of Emiya's ambitions?

Was this his fate; was he destined to fall here?

Try as he might, Archer couldn't manage to move the obstacle before him. It was a mountain, and he, a pebble by comparison. For all his strength, Emiya found that he had failed. Try as he might, he couldn't move. His legs threatened to buckle beneath him, until, finally, then did. This was it, then. He'd failed. He couldn't escape. His opponent had him trapped. Utterly pinned. Even his Reality Marble wouldn't be able to to eliminate this terrible threat in time. He would know. He'd tried. It was all Illya's fault. She'd betrayed them. Rin had already been defeated, and that _boy _was of no use whatsoever. It was all up to him. And he'd failed them.

A bead of cold sweat ran down his brow.

He stared into the face of his demise and said his final prayers.

And if said visage wore blue eyes and whiskered cheeks...well, that wasn't his fault.

"Give up?" she purred at him.

Emiya growled, defiant to the end. "Never."

That cherubic face twisted into a terrifying smile. "Nice knowing you, then~!"

Pain flared throughout his entire being as he grappled with her; two hands to her one. Even then, the stubborn Archer tried to hold on. It was no use. No matter how much he reinforced his body, it was like trying to swim upstream. A landslide of strength wrenched his body to the side, exposing his neck back. He tensed himself for that fatal blow, a vicious cut to the throat that would inevitably end his existence and send him snarling back to the Throne of Heroes in all his furious glorious.

It never came.

Oh, make no mistake; EMIYA did move...

Naruko slammed his arm down on the table a heartbeat later. "OLE~!"

...just not at all in the way he had expected.

Fortunately -or unfortunately, depending on your point of your view- Archer wasn't _conscious_ to consider his abrupt turn of fate; by then he was quite airborne, and Shirou Emiya's household now had a distinctive servant-shaped hole in one of its walls. Alongside a decidedly Rin-shapred imprint.

Illy groaned in Naruko's lap. "Children. Complete and utter CHILDREN, the both of you! Why did I agree to this?!"

"Whatever you say, sweetie." Lancer pattered her head. "Now call your giant Berserker over here so we can arm wrestle."

And if the stoic Berserker just so happened to whimper a little at those words..why...no bothered to mention any of it. No one at all.

**A/N: Huh, would you look at that.**

**A gag chapter. Its not often I do one of those.**

** I'm not feeling me best, which is why the chapter's shorter than I would've liked.**

**Naruko's a good girl; she'd rather make friends than enemies. But if you're an enemy? She'll kill ya~!**

**We'll get to see Caster next chapter of course, and all of the silly shenanigans that ensue from her machinations.**

**Now Naruto's found himself in a female body-much to his chagrin-and a weakened one at that. ****He's not happy about that. Not one bit. ****Remember this'll be gone in two days if people don't like it.**

**In any case, I'm pulling a double today, so wish me luck!**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas... ****...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**Sorry folks, no previews this time! ****Got a death scene to write. Did I just say that...?**

**R&R~!**


End file.
